cell phone jokes

Odd Organizations

This is the Literacy Self Test Hot line. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

 

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hot line. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

 

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear ... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

 

(Play Gregorian chants in the background:) Hello Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

 

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

 

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

 

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

 

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

 

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

 

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

 

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

 

Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

 

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!

 

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

 

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

 

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

 

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

 

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

 

Mainly Musical Theme

(Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message...

 

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

 

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

 

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

 

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home,Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

 

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

 

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

 

Family Fun

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

 

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
att: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
(or)
1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background:) What are you doing?
1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
2: But we're here right now.
1: But we might not be here later.
2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

 

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone...

 

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.

 

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah ithat's it.